Research suggests that approximately 30 percent of women and 23 percent of men ‘settle’ for their partner instead of marrying their ‘true love’. After years of studying sex and relationships, I find these figures quite accurate. The concept of ‘true love’ is complex and subjective, but it’s evident that our criteria for love differ from those for choosing a spouse or a co-parent.
In our youth, we often seek the exhilarating highs of romantic love, characterized by intense passion and a deep, almost suffocating connection. These relationships can be marked by emotional rollercoasters and insecurity, but the highs seem worth the lows. As we mature, however, our priorities shift. The need for stability, reliability, and compatibility takes precedence over the intense but volatile emotions of youthful love.
In the context of long-term relationships, qualities like dependability, friendship, healthy lifestyle habits, and financial security gain importance. These traits, which might seem mundane when we are younger, become essential for a stable and fulfilling life partnership. Some are fortunate to find these attributes in their passionate love, but many others end up marrying someone their family approves of or someone who provides the stability they seek.
This pragmatic approach to relationships might seem sensible, but does it lead to happiness? To explore this, I spoke with various individuals who did not end up with their ‘true love’.
Scott, 51, has been in a loveless marriage for 24 years and still longs for his first love. “I met Sarah at university, and we were deeply in love for four years. Our friends dated others, but we were only interested in each other,” he recalls. Despite their deep connection, life circumstances pulled them apart, and Scott ended up marrying someone his family approved of. Decades later, he still hasn’t stopped loving Sarah, and this unfulfilled love haunts him.
For some, the choice to settle brings a sense of security and companionship. Jane, 48, reflects on her decision: “I married Mark because he was dependable and kind, even though I didn’t feel the same spark I had with my ex. Over the years, we built a comfortable life together, and I’ve grown to appreciate him deeply.” While Jane acknowledges that her relationship lacks the passion of her previous romance, she finds contentment in the stability and mutual respect they share.
Others, however, struggle with the emotional consequences of settling. Emily, 45, reveals, “I married Tom because he was a good provider and loved me deeply. But I’ve always felt a void, a longing for the kind of love I once had with someone else. It’s a constant battle between gratitude for what I have and regret for what I lost.”
The decision to settle often involves weighing the benefits of stability and security against the desire for passionate, all-consuming love. While some find happiness in their pragmatic choices, others live with a lingering sense of what might have been. The balance between these elements is delicate and deeply personal, reflecting the complexities of human relationships.
In the end, whether settling leads to happiness depends on individual expectations, values, and the ability to find peace with one’s choices. For some, the trade-off is worth it; for others, it remains a source of sorrow and unfulfilled longing.